My Heart
I see people’s lives and that makes my heartache, makes it shatter at each glimpse of feigned contentment it touches.
I heard you can’t live your life till you accept that what you’ve been given is yours and yours only, your fate unraveling to you and you alone, and trust me binge-watching shows that annotate this exact message, it seems like the only way to fit the pieces in a neatly fit box, conformed to society, conformed to its people.
My heart is the enemy, it’s been this way since I remember feeling its faint beat thumping against my chest, each beat faster as my mind tethers, each thump deeper as the thoughts last longer.
I don’t think my heart is the enemy anymore, at least it’s not the only one. My gut tells me it has metastasised, following its bitter ancestor, making my body ripple with fire at each cataclysmic turn life throws.
They say your heart is full when it’s full of love, they say you can feel its warmth as it fills your soul, hold your hand against your ribcage and feel your heart comfy, ironically at home, in a home that was always its own. The only difference being it accepting its fate. I don’t believe them, I say hearts are never full, they feign fullness, yet never fully fill, its funny to think of them as empty, silly containers, never spilling excess over the edge, its meniscus never coalescing with the brim of the container, the thought breaks me however considering its never at its whole, never complete, never fully over.
My heart is that glass, it’s never whole, ricocheting one infatuation to the next, turning lovers into haters, friends into enemies, family into strangers.
My friends say I have a self-victimizing problem, some part of me believes them, their voices echoing in my skull like demons in a cage, fighting for control, I let their words comfort me, put me in a pseudo-daze, an escape from the inevitability of my own enemy, the misfortune that I had myself caused.
My heart suddenly isn’t the biggest problem anymore, my head seems to have taken it by surprise, each deep fissure in my brain convulsed by confusion, sending jolts of chaos down my body, leaving me empty almost, away from myself and away from what’s mine.
It’s been a while now and I can’t forgive myself for feeling this way, did my parents fuck up somehow? maybe I fucked up instead or maybe it’s all a facade and I was fucked up, to begin with, it’s all a blur now, only a shattered carapace of what was once beautiful remained…..was I ever beautiful? Was I ever whole?
The questions are left unanswered as my mind tolls more, into the depths of something it hadn’t dared uncover, a destination it never knew it’d find.
I lose track of time and my heart betrays me by slowing its beats, its thumps slowing down so that I can hear each one, hard in my chest, a feeling I couldn’t yet resolve welling up in my chest.
I think it’s safe to say my heart will mess me up more, for obviously, it fosters nothing more than disrepair, and nothing less than years of crying will suffice to make that gnawing go away, so the only way left is to let go.
Letting go isn’t as easy as it sounds though, it requires certainty, determination, and the most important part, a degree of dumbness, for the enlightened never let go without a fight, only the ignorant have that blessing
I sigh as the bliss that ignorance brings overtakes me, finally letting go as my heart trails, breathe out one last time as it feigns resurrection but alas things end as soon as they start and as beginning hide themselves in ends, I transcend into another wretched corpse for me to unravel with the apathy I bring, the hate I harbor.
Into the void I go. Exodus into oblivion to follow.
